I can’t sleep. I’m thinking of all the people I should never have fallen in love with. I keep replaying the moments when I should’ve realized they were wrong for me and noticing that I did realize but I went through with it all anyway. And as they were breaking my heart, I would have already forgiven them.
Such a violent thing, the breaking of a heart. And yet so easily dismissed and the pain never validated and we feel guilty for lying in bed, crying, for days, or weeks. We can’t call in sick to work. We can’t go to a doctor to set that broken thing inside us. There’s no medication to be prescribed to help us recover. They tell us it takes time, we’ll get over it, but we have broken hearts. There are shards inside our chest cavities that cut whenever we breathe. There are jagged pieces floating through our blood, screaming against our soft, thin skin. There are splintered bits flung as far as our eyes, irritating them so they’re constantly red and watering; pushing against them and making us dread the light. The biggest chunks get lodged in our brains, forcing us to remember every promise that was broken and the exact way their lips shaped the words “I love you.” Our hearts are festering wounds infecting our bones, swelling our joints, making it impossible to move.
So much violence and we’re only given half-hearted sympathies and assurances that we’ll fall in love again someday.
Of course we will! We know that. But right now? Our hearts are broken and we ache. Isn’t there anything you can do for that?
I can’t sleep. I’m thinking of all the people I should never have fallen in love with. I keep replaying the moments when I should’ve realized they were wrong for me and noticing that I did realize but I went through with it all anyway. And as they were breaking my heart, I would have already forgiven them.
Such a violent thing, the breaking of a heart. And yet so easily dismissed and the pain never validated and we feel guilty for lying in bed, crying, for days, or weeks. We can’t call in sick to work. We can’t go to a doctor to set that broken thing inside us. There’s no medication to be prescribed to help us recover. They tell us it takes time, we’ll get over it, but we have broken hearts. There are shards inside our chest cavities that cut whenever we breathe. There are jagged pieces floating through our blood, screaming against our soft, thin skin. There are splintered bits flung as far as our eyes, irritating them so they’re constantly red and watering; pushing against them and making us dread the light. The biggest chunks get lodged in our brains, forcing us to remember every promise that was broken and the exact way their lips shaped the words “I love you.” Our hearts are festering wounds infecting our bones, swelling our joints, making it impossible to move.
So much violence and we’re only given half-hearted sympathies and assurances that we’ll fall in love again someday.
Of course we will! We know that. But right now? Our hearts are broken and we ache. Isn’t there anything you can do for that?
Katie West: My favorite thing Katie West has ever written. →
Also one of my favorite things anyone has ever written.
“Sometimes I wonder if all those other people fall in love with you as easily as I did. And I also wonder if all those people who have told you they love you ever loved you as much as I did. And do they still? Just like…
tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?
When i thumb-sucked just to fell asleep. :)
Health:
- Drink plenty of water.
- Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.
- Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.
- Live with the 3 E’s - Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy
- Play more games.
- Read more books than you did in 2010.
- Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
- Sleep for 7 hours.
- Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily. And while you walk, smile.
Personality:
- Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
- Don’t have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
- Don’t over do. Keep your limits.
- Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
- Don’t waste your precious energy on gossip.
- Dream more while you are awake.
- Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
- Forget issues of the past. Don’t remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
- Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don’t hate others.
- Make peace with your past so it won’t spoil the present.
- No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
- Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
- Smile and laugh more.
- You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Society:
- Call your family often.
- Each day give something good to others.
- Forgive everyone for everything.
- Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
- Try to make at least three people smile each day.
- What other people think of you is none of your business.
- Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Life:
- Do the right thing!
- Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
- However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
- No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
- The best is yet to come.
- Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.
You cannot protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness.
So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we’ll never know most of them. But even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.
there are times when i really dont know where i wanted to go.
I’m coming home! Next weekend I will be heading to RP. I miss it much. I’ve been thinking a lot about my life here in Dubai and the differences between it and RP and its like comparing apples to oranges. I came with high hopes and expectations and I quickly stumbled and tripped over myself in my fumblings around this new home of mine. I have learned a lot about myself and even though I knew I am a creature of habit I had not realized how much of my life was habitualized and ritualized; from my weekend “spontaneity” to my structured work days and weekly commitments. I miss it all.
Next weekend, I leave to go to Manila to relish in all that it is; to look out at the beautiful sunset, play with my little brother and cousins, walk through its old windy street, play with the kids of Lodora and meet the old friends, stich and bitch, and to hug my long lost boyfriend. I go back to recharge my batteries that have been running on empty for a while now.
But before I go I want to reflect a bit on my experience in Dubai. In the last few months, I not so quickly or easily learned that I needed to unlearn a lot of things and pick up new ways of relating and new ways of being. It is growing pains all over again, with social awkwardness, misfitting and feeling like the last one picked for the team, only I don’t know where the team is to start with. I feel unproductive, unaccomplished and with too much time on my hands and no interest in filling it, because I was not relating to where I am. Stating the obvious, RP has been and still is a big part of my life. In the last few months I have over romanticized it, reminisced about it and continued to make it the yard stick that I measure UAE against. And because I have done that I have set myself up to fail, fail miserably and be miserable while failing. If my life has taught me anything, it is that from my lowest points, my miserable and not so miserable failures, that I learn the most.
So enough about RP; RP will take care of itself. Dubai. Dubai is a big reason I am excited about going back to RP. I am excited to leave so that I can come back. I know it is strange, something has shifted and I no longer want to hide away indoors and block the world out. I am excited about this. I know this now because I had the same feelings I do when I return home after any trip: the feelings of wanting to return and having arrived home. The next step is to define what that means.
pinky nails
